Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
my liver is dry heaving
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
