Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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