So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
