Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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