for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
