My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
