I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
