I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
