You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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