My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
