the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
