I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
