god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
