So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
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Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
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Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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