Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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