i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
