my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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