So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
