i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
