Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
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My thoughts exactly.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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