I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
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there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
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I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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