I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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