he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You made out with two different species that night
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize