I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
