angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
