Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
