im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is the high leading the old right now
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
