Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
