Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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