I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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