Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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