I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
