I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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