guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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