Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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