also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Congratulations! We have a period
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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