i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
