She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
