I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
