WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
