I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
