GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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