Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I AM VODKA MAN
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
