I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
