He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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