maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
