Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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