I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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