I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
