69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
