I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
