I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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