I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
