you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
