Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
