If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
